Saturday, April 17, 2010

surviving the 6th week!

~thanks, :)

oh well..oh well..huh?
it was a combination of great,ok and so-so week,
Let's start with GREAT,well of course I was so excited because last monday
was ozzie's First day in "move to the music class",with awesome mothers, they seem very friendly but I have to
leave before the class ended (my step-daughter Rackie took over)
because jeff and I has to go to a very important meeting.
as a mom, i still feel a little strange being surrounded with mothers like me.

Ozzie did good, he doesn't care much about the activities,
all he wants is run, run and made that animalish sounds ( like lion,dog,cat etc)
but I love seeing him with other kids, although
he doesn't seem to care with others, I was happy all in all
just to be there, and for both of us to experience it :)

With the so-so stuff, oh well, I guess we came to the point
that we just have to deal to whatever the hell she wants to do
and not feel too stress out about it. Hubby and I talked
that as long as we made sure we are doing the very best we can,
be there for her, making sure she got EVERYTHING she needed with everything,
we just got her a wheel chair hoping she'll be motivated to go
to church, play bingo, go with us to the park etc..

Its been soooooooooooooooo hard to deal with a person who has
no spirit of happiness, and as the saying goes "happiness is contagious",
I have to stay strong to fight all the negative energy I got to
face everyday....this is officially the most challenging time
of my life/our lives as family...

But in my heart I always believe that God is watching over me and
my family and He is always with us...

so let's keep movin'!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

i miss ..... (part 2)

21. food network.

22. rachael ray & ellen show.

23. kumain nakakamay ANYTIME I want...

24. afternoon naps.

25. a quiet, fun, loving moments with my son every morning
and afternoon, simply enjoying every single moment
without worrying about anything (that i gotta do this & that)

25. once in a while, right after i woke up in the morning,
destination: computer with a fresh,hot cup of great coffee

25. having our VERY OWN PLACE
(where I can put any pictures I want on the wall,and do
what i want with anything and everything,oh well mostly,
i forgot how my hubby wants to CONTROL EVERYTHING
as if he owns everything!!!!)

26. having a nice bubble bath ( i hate how the bath tub looks here,
and the bathroom looks so dark, no windows, I tried it one time
i feel i was suffocated, darn!

27. My SUper Loving,fabulous,generous sister

28. My Loving Nanay

29. My Super kind brother

30. being ME

I miss...

~thanks, :)

1. being just me, my husband Jeff and my son Ozzie..

2. doing whatever, whenever.

3. going somewhere on special occassions or birthdays.
(we suppose to go to Wisconsin Dells for weekend
to celebrate hubby's bday, but we didn't..
too complicated..)

4. videoke.(whenever I feel like it)

5. being lazy :)

6. twin lakes.

7. sentry (that's where i buy a really good ribs for my sinigang!and yes
with fats)

8. having a forever and ever conversation with my nanay. (2 hours at least)

9. having a forever and ever conversation with my Ate Esme (3 hours)

10 talking to flor and LMAO.

11.having company and enjoy the margarita or any alcohol.

12.having company just because..

13.having company and let all the kids go wild!~
(and we can yell, scream all we want, all the mommies I mean)

14.having intimate moments with hubby (i know! sucks.)
( at the end of the day he knows I am exhausted,
i am probably worse than having a 9-5 job because mine
is seriously round the clock, yes, I am dead serious!)

15. my hip-hop abs and bender ball (now, that's a choice)
(that means i have to get up at 5:30..hmmmm)

16. FB

17. sending a super dooper long e-mails to someone I care about.

18. watching 3 movies in a row (or at least 2)

19. sleeping -in

20. go for a ride wherever (when hubby is going somewhere)

to be continued...need to prepare dinner :)

Surviving the 5th week!

~ thanks,

i know, I haven't been using my original pic
here in lovinglife, oh well, its easier
just to search and copy it here, and just
acknowledge some "thanks-to" where i got it from...

ah, that was a scream by the way!
I friggin' dunno...this week, what did just happen?
I don't even remember...

someone is being EXTREMELY LAZY this week.
how can you tell someone in a loving way "you ready for a shower?"
for the 100th times?
and just simply ignored you..yes, a 100 times or more as well..

and some how, you can't take it anymore..
and what the hell do you need to beg her that for?
who stink anyway...I mean...

I actually took my Nanay's advice, sponge bathe that is.
ah..but seriously?? that was way 100 times different
from an actual bath...agree?

So I don't even wanna count the days, it frustrates me
so badly...I might just ended up packing my bag (and Ozzie's bag)
and just go, that would be a dream (big!)

Ok..that's just one out of a hundred things.
I am not exaggerating, if I start writing a list
it'll easily go for at least 101..

the thing is, she is not the only person that I need
to take care of, I have a toddler who just a blink of an eye
who knows what's his into..I have this HIGE house to clean, dishes
to wash (i don't use the dishwasher don't ask me why)
laundry,fold & ironing clothes, before she came here, I feed whatever is easy
to Ozzie, now a healthy breakfast is well-planned,even our dinner seems
to be plan, and take note, I AM THE ONLY ONE who eat the left-over,
even you tried to re-invent a new meal out of the left over...
miracle if someone will take a bite of it..
paying her bills, we only been here for like 4 months,
our stuff are still...a mess!
I really don't have time for my self.
I know "if there's a will, there's a way"..
like yes, of course I can still talk to my sister and brother through skype.
then I have to be up at 4am, which I wouldn't mind because
I so love them both to death!

If I will not get up at 6:30, definitely no shower that day.

my son get up at 7 or 8 am, she'll get up around 8 as well..
I spent my at least an hour of my day, for our morning routine.
plus the time washing all the pans (that I use to make the breakfast)
trust me there's always a pan or pot involve..
oh well, she eat cereal once a week, and that was my gift to my
easy-breezy morning :)

minus the fact that the stairs, stairs, stairs.
I really don't need a FORCE EXERCISE at this point of my life...

what a life!

one of the comfort that I probably get this week
was a conversation with my sister-in-law,
no wonder they've been begging us to get her back here
because she/they couldn't take her anymore...

she said she remember herself going to work crying
coz of frustration to "her", not helping herself,
of course if she's not helping her self, who will then?
she thinks its only tough on her, she didn't realized its
beyond TOUGHER to people around her...

and the fact the my sister in law works at the doctor's
office, she met people who were really really sick,
dealing with physical & emotional pain and more,
only has 2 months to live, but no one can stop
them from smiling and embracing that hope..

and she comes home, there's her mom, physically healthy
but emotionally drained. helpless.hopeless.
because she herself, killed her own spirit..

what do you do with that?

Jeff and I sat down and talk to her.
she needed help.
she said yes.
Thank God..

and that will be in my "surviving the 6th week"..

Thursday, April 8, 2010

a day off please..


OMG. okay, i tried to be positive everyday..
but optimism is a serious matter ya know..
it needs some sort of dedication...and for human
like us...there's no way our days will always
be perfect...okay, let's talk about at least
"good"...of course its possible! why not?

oh well, what if.. if you are challenged by the situation?
what you do with that?
especially, if you don't have much option.
ah! I am tired of crying ha hah.

I didn't realize it could be exhausting too haa!
oki, enough with drama mode.

I badly needed a day off!

That was actually somewhat a joke (or maybe she's serious)
a friend told me one time, is it your day off inday?
ha ha..i just answered her...ah I wish!

but I thought and hmmm...why not coconut?

Okay, I mean..I am talking a one whole day off here,
I don't think it could happen, I know I can leave
the house for a few hours, and that also mean I have
to take Ozzie with...but would have been nice
to go somewhere just me, a friend/friends with the free-spirited me..

Just have that laugh back, that I used to have,
laugh until you can't laugh no more!
or until your stomach hurts!

Of course I can make it bigger and more fabulous,
and that includes spa, massages, super delicious
gourmet food....movies and SHOPPING!
but we'll get to that (when??)let me see...

Okay, let's take baby step then..


oh! mother's day coming up right? (dream big!)

(and some day with Ozzie)
(and some day with hubby)
(but "just me & a friend/friends is so important!)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

surviving the 4th week...(yay!) one month na uy!

olala...holy cow, was that really 4 weeks,
that means we are actually talkin' about month

okay...this was an Easter week, we really had
a great, busy week, let me see..
we did a lot of stuff/activities, this is
what great about being home and having someone
let you understand how easter could be really exciting!

we colored eggs, baked a Lamb Easter Cake,
went to Annual Easter Egg hunt to my ever love
place Twin Lakes Wisconsin, just to see our
"old place" bring tons of memories and smiles in my heart...

we also flew a kite in one of the nearby park,
we have gotten a few days of gorgeous weather
and totally took avantage of it :)
I have taken a lot of pictures and so happy with everything!

And on easter eve, made some baskets for Ozzie, raquel and my friend Nel,
happens its also their (Nel & Al)1st Year Wedding cool!

And jeff took me to places whenever he sense
I just needed to go out, I don't even have to tell
it to him, before I used to feel bad leaving mom
all alone, but making sure she'll be fine,
I don't feel bad anymore, because she's actually fine,
she just rest for a few hours (1-2) until we get back..

YEs, life becomes so much easier,
I don't take a lot of things so seriously nowadays,
it also motivates me to get the house clean because
there some days we have unexpected visitors,
and I know I am pretty much in charge with everything
around the house, and it makes me feel good seeing at least
the house looks ok...

Today, Easter Sunday, so fabulous, hubby and I went to church.
Just me and him.
What a super charming morning that was.
Saying our prayers together.
Laughing together.
Made a trip to store without arguing.
Feels great.
God is so good.

What happen was, mom decided not to go to church,
its too early this and that..the first mass is 7am,
ozzie doesn't get up until 8:30-9am so we figured
we can actually leave Ozzie then we'll
be home before he even get up...

And everything just perfect.
They were both still sleeping when we got back,
enough time for me to cook breakfast and enjoy my breakfast
which is white rice and pritong tilapia (sawsaw sa toyo na may lemon)
nakakamay of course!

but...we still encourage byenan to go to church
or at least go to adoration chapel..
saturday mass will might work as well,
we will keep trying until she said yes,
and we'll see how she feels about it..

So there you go.
God is sooo great!
things that I know would have not happen
without His blessings and guidance everyday...

His love for me and my family is so amazing..

Thank You Lord...

Sunday, March 28, 2010

surviving the 3rd week...some good news!

~~for the picture: thank you

okay, after reading my previous post,
geezz...what the hell happen to me?
seriously? i was obviously in an adjustment
period of "the new chapter in my life"...

things and situation are actually exactly the same.
no change. oh yes. none.

but me? oh yes. me? has change big time.
i don't care if its going to be yet temporary,
i am embracing it wholeheartedly.

I have learn a lot, its me that making it difficult for me.
Family and friends helps me realize, see, feel that!
big time!

So this week, i didn't try too hard, too much,
i just went with the flow, if she doesn't want to do things,
i let her be, i do whatever that i have to do.

I just keep reminding her that I am here whenever she needs me.
My days are better, I ask her, she answered,
days that she let me feel that as if its my fault
of this and that, I learn to let go,
and just leave her and give her space.

I manage my time better, made some schedule,
helps me not to feel overwhelm and frustrated everytime
I was not able to do things...or miss something.

i learn to forgive my self.
appreciate ME more...

Today, I went to church with my good friend Nel and her hubby Al,
I feel so awesome on our way home, I feel something,
I don't know what it is, but I feel that God
is smiling and telling me that I am doing a fabulous job.
(well, i am not sure if God even use "the fabulous" word" ha ha)

But knowing in my heart that I made God smiles,
because I am doing at least "good", even just a tiny good,

That was more than enough reward for me.
For everything that God has done for me,
what I am doing right now for me and others is
"nothing" way nothing, compare to God's love
to me, to my family, to my friends...

Praise You my Dear God..

Saturday, March 27, 2010

thank you my dear Kat ...for the loving inspiration and for always being there...

~~thank you

Dear Kat,

I have read your e-mail
after my mom in law and I had breakfast,
I initiate a conversation and tried to cheer
her up...didn't work.

i went back to our bedroom and found my self
in front of the computer, when I saw your e-mail
and it says "surprise!"....I caught my self smiling,
like ya know, super big smile :)

and when I was reading it I am honestly in between
smiling, crying and laughing..your letter was so moving and
a part of me was dancing inside, and feel that magical
sense of happiness...I am so inspired and really,
it was a healing moment for me :)

I felt that all of a sudden all my questions
were answered, and that belief that things really do happens
for a reason became so clear..

Thank you with all my heart,
you know me so well and you are always been
a gift to every way...
thanks for lifting my spirit today and always,
I couldn't be more grateful to have found
my way back to you..I love you Kat!

thank you Flor...

~thank you

Dear Flor,

All that says in the picture, define
how much your friendship means to me...

thank you for sharing me your story
about your mother, i am so inspired by it..
now....I always think about you,
and what you’ve been through…
when I found my self so down...

And thank you for always offering me your good listening heart,
For always calling and checking how am I doing
And continue giving me support in any way you can..
I always appreciate that and it means so much
Especially right now with my situation…

Thank you for always being there for me..
I love you bff…

Friday, March 26, 2010

what i discover this week....

~thank you :)

1. to wake up at at least 6:30 am, would give
me a very pleasant and beautiful morning,
just by myself...30-60 minutes of quietness
and me...

2. that we can actually leave my mom-in-law
for up to 3 hours, on her nap time,
if i/we needed to go outside and that is
between 12-3 or..1-4 pm....or 2-5pm.

just making sure she got her cellphone,
water/drinks and other "important" stuff by her side..

3. over-trying, is not really necessary.
going with the flow is much easier
than trying too much and too hard.
its much lighter in my soul as well.

4. making some plans and schedules
is so much easier than just
"do whatever" in everyday....
now, i get excited to start my day.
and be prepared for some unexpected
distraction.....that's life!

5. I can still cook and eat what I want
but NOT when i want, a little bit of planning
is really necessary now. Especially with meals
na mas masarap pag nakakamay...
yes, i still can't take a judging eyes ha hah.

6. that I can still enjoy watching Oprah,
whether she like or feel of watching it or not,
i just have to find a way in the morning,
or just stay up late at night.
though i always prefer to watch in the morning,
either way will work.

** i also have other option.
to request it to my friend Nel to record
it for me :) life is so delicious!

7. that i don't have to over-try to initiate a conversation
at all times, I am not a psychologist, as long as I let
her know that I can drop anything that I am doing for whatever
she wants to do or talk about. i think that's enough.
i am sincerely available for her whenever she needs me.
but i will not act anymore that as if I have to beg her all the
time to talk on whatever things that bothers her.
I've realize if a person is ready to talk,
she or he will talk...

i did try to talk to her in every possible way.(though)

it didn't work, like what my sister always says,
she still in an amazing state of mind, she's not that
forgetful,she can still walk, she has her hearing aid now,
that according to her even a drop of a pin she could probably hear,
she still in great strenght at 79 if she'll choose to be,
she has her fabulous daughter-in-law (i thought i badly needed
to mention that ha hah) to take care of EVERYTHING
she needed around the house
her son is here to take her whenever she needed to go
she still have her house
she has friends...

really, her life is so fabulous,
that even herself couldn't even think of an excuse
not to live in its fabulousness..

i gave all attention and everything she needs,
if she will not help her self, even me, trying my hardest
will just not going to work...

but always and always my main goal is,be there for her and
let her know that you I care sooooooo much!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

i am so sorry...

Just want to say so sorry for my family
and some friends who i bored too much
with my whining and complain about my

honestly, sometimes I don't even know
I already talking about it,
its just comes in my mouth,
everytime I heard "musta na?"...

Thank you for always have an open-
loving-good-listening heart..
It helps me tremendously!

But I also need to learn to stop that,
I don't want to be those people
like ya know....i still feel
that i don't have the worse situation,
yes, its hard.
but ya know, life goes on everyday...

my ate,my kuya and my nanay are my heros
they're my ultimate strenght,
they gave me beautiful advices,
they makes me smile...
I couldn't imagine my life without them
in my life...i would die for sure...
ok, maybe exaggeration...but really,
they mean the world to me in countless
ways and reason..

I love them so much!

Ok, if just in case, you called, anybody called
please feel free to remind me, that its ok
to complain for a few good minutes,
but hey life still good...

oh yeah!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Surviving the 2nd Week...

Omg....oh well, ya know I always wonder why people
do feel depress, I understand now that some people
just don't know how to relax,be alone and be happy
at the same time....

I am probably one of those people who loves
to be alone once in a while, but I do love to entertain,
and have great company here and there..

But its always been important to me, to have
my "Me" time...

And in my situation right now, its so freaking hard.

I am not exactly extremely busy everyday, its just
living in a big house, with the organizing and all that
chaos of everyday life is too much already just to have
only 24 hours a day...i love to wake up as early as 6am,
but i would just love to be in bed by at least 10pm.

But that's not always the case.
I have to take care mom first, Ozzie, second.
And that all whatever you can think of bed time routine.EVERYDAY.

There were times that my body just gave up while
I am on the couch waiting for her to say:
"I'm off to bed now", then I get excited!
Because I am looking forward each day, try to have
a quiet evening, just me writing my journal and gratitude book,
or catching up with my fave program on the computer
or just reading some of my fave book or magazine.

Again, as much as I wanted to do this every night.
I can't.
Sometimes I just want to go to bed right away.
My sleep is always a priority.
I need to have a good hours of sleep so I won't get
crabby the next day...
And in my situation right now, I don't know
how many times I bite my tongue, hold back my tears,
count one to ten, take the deepest breath, and just
trying to dig down how much patience I got deep inside me..

Days becoming so slow these days...
I feel bad, I feel strong, I feel different kind
of emotions every single day...

I keep asking my self, what am I really doing?

And if I question my self about, is this fair for me?

Of course the answer will always be the crunchy NO.

But...knowing in my heart I am totally doing the right thing.
without expecting anything in return, I really believe
that I am such a super human ha ha hah.

oh yah, why? try to be in my position for one day?

Not fun. But sometimes doing the right thing doesn't always
mean fun and convenient...I just always tell my self...

This just part of the challenge, once you made this,
whatever comes your way in the future will be totally
a piece of cake..yum!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Surviving the 1st week....

Yeeeeeepppp! One week indeed.
And hey am still here breathing...
I can't believe how brave I am..haaaa!

Well, I would've make it without all the loving
support that I am luckily getting from my friends & families,
both sides, I like the fact that my sister-in-law
has zero expectation and has huge faith on me
that I'm gonna do just fine :)

as funny as it sounds, i like when she says
"hang in there"...for me its a support really
through words...

And oh-my-friends like Flor and Nel,
helps me big time, thanks guys!

And to my friend Kat who I know
I haven't heard for a while but always
and always giving me so much great advices
while I am reading her messages I always wanna cry :)

And to Joy,who always shows her love,
by calling and making sure I am doing well..

And my nanay who always helps and prays for me
that it was given to me because Lord knows
that I have the heart to do it...
and gives me advices what to do
in times that I feel of giving up,
frustrations and any kind of mix emotions...

For my ate esme, who understands
what my situation right now...She is always
my strenght, she gives me all the loving
support and she always thinks about me,
what is good for me and my family..
she loves me and she makes sure
she let me feel that and I always
do..i love you ate!

For my Kuya who always prays for me
and always be there for me...
though we don't talk very often
I know whenever I will need him
he will listen to me and shows his
love through his words..

To my fellow bloggers Ate Ellen and Robyn,
you both are awesome and gave me so much
beautiful advices, your blog helps
me in a lot of ways...
You both are always be a blessing
to my life...

Ate Ellen, I know i haven't been
sending you any messages but I will
never ever forget you, and thanks for your
time sending me those beautiful messages that
really touches my heart until now
I have saved and print them and it really
lifts my spirit...I still keep
visiting your blog I just didn't get a chance
to comment yet, I am still looking forward for
your book and will always be a fan of yours :)

And miel, sorry haven't been e-mailing you,
but we had so much fun exchanging all that funny are really a great friend and
your sense of humor is sooo awesome,
you always makes me smile...

And with Jeff,
i guess he is trying hard but..
he is definitely helping his mom
in a lot of ways, but at this very crucial
time in our lives, whether i like it or not
yes, i think we have to hold each other's hand
most of the time.

Today I just mad at him for so many reasons,
i'll leave that in my journal, too ugly
to put it in here. Very inappropriate.

Besides, this is all about me..surviving :)

Yesterday actually was awesome. Maybe because,
I had a chance to go out finally after a week...

Thank God...for my good friend and neighbor like
Nel & Allan, ahh, don't you love great people
who really do care...its so nice..
almost makes me cry :)
Its just I feel so grateful, I am simply
overwhelmed ..

Then my nice step-daughter came to watch
Ozzie and her grammie so Jeff and I made
a quick trip to the store to get what I need.

-word-find puzzle for mom
- a gratitude journal (btw. so pretty:)
- print pictures for flor
- that's it i guess.

Yup. I feel extremely thirsty feeling that
fresh air from outside..
Felt sooo good.
I wish I can do that more :)

well, maybe I start jogging or something.
ah, we'll see about that.

So I think I am getting tremendously better,
when it comes to planning a day or something,
made a few lists for mom to choose
to do in everyday...

I think I made some really easy fun ones
I haven't shown her yet but its all about the
timing, i don't want to pressure her of doing
something she doesn't feel like doing...

so we'll see about that...

Friday, March 12, 2010

head ache.

i really don't experience headache that much
but these past 3 days, its unreal!
maybe, I don't get enough sleep,
i needed a 7-9 hours sleep to feel that
i am fueled enough to have a really good day,
have enough patience to go through everyday
and strenght of course to stay strong to whatever
that comes my way...(rhyming??)


I have been really good about taking my Vitamins
coz I feel my soul and body is screaming to take it :)

I have talked to my hubby about taking a stresstabs
but deep inside i'm too scared to take any kind
of supplement like that because of the possible
side effects, that may not happen in my age right now
but something that may not be good in the future.

A friend of mine have reminded me about that too
so I have decided, no stresstabs for me.

My sister suggested ginseng, so I may do some research about that.

But for now I am going to stay with my Vitamin B complex
which says that helps for normal functioning of the nervous far, so good.

I really really feel of napping right now,but I can't.
having a toddler who is into everything I feel even
sometimes blinking is prohibited :)
And mom needs me.

I can do this. I will. Right?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

i can't define my emotion.

seriously. I have been having a hard time
dealing with my emotions lately.
for the first time in a long time,
i feel like...

mix of stress.fear.confusion.

i am trying to find my self.

but i guess, its too hard at this point.
because I am busy.physically exhausted
most of the time at the end of the day..

i once said to my friend that I feel
of crying, ya know that you really
really wanted to cry ...but.
I am too tired, I am just gonna
go to bed instead.try to have
a good night sleep.

I thought that would be better.
It was not really.

I was tired when i get up.
then that feeling of crying again still there.

but then again I can't.

i need to start my day and trying
really really hard to smile a lot.
its hard to smile when you don't feel
like it.

but i don't have to show to the whole
wide world that I feel somehow sad.

she does not have to know.
its gonna make both of us two miserable soul.
and it would not make any sense.

oh well....

Friday, February 12, 2010

Tuesday, February 9, 2010