Sunday, March 28, 2010

surviving the 3rd week...some good news!

~~for the picture: thank you

okay, after reading my previous post,
geezz...what the hell happen to me?
seriously? i was obviously in an adjustment
period of "the new chapter in my life"...

things and situation are actually exactly the same.
no change. oh yes. none.

but me? oh yes. me? has change big time.
i don't care if its going to be yet temporary,
i am embracing it wholeheartedly.

I have learn a lot, its me that making it difficult for me.
Family and friends helps me realize, see, feel that!
big time!

So this week, i didn't try too hard, too much,
i just went with the flow, if she doesn't want to do things,
i let her be, i do whatever that i have to do.

I just keep reminding her that I am here whenever she needs me.
My days are better, I ask her, she answered,
days that she let me feel that as if its my fault
of this and that, I learn to let go,
and just leave her and give her space.

I manage my time better, made some schedule,
helps me not to feel overwhelm and frustrated everytime
I was not able to do things...or miss something.

i learn to forgive my self.
appreciate ME more...

Today, I went to church with my good friend Nel and her hubby Al,
I feel so awesome on our way home, I feel something,
I don't know what it is, but I feel that God
is smiling and telling me that I am doing a fabulous job.
(well, i am not sure if God even use "the fabulous" word" ha ha)

But knowing in my heart that I made God smiles,
because I am doing at least "good", even just a tiny good,

That was more than enough reward for me.
For everything that God has done for me,
what I am doing right now for me and others is
"nothing" way nothing, compare to God's love
to me, to my family, to my friends...

Praise You my Dear God..

Saturday, March 27, 2010

thank you my dear Kat ...for the loving inspiration and for always being there...

~~thank you

Dear Kat,

I have read your e-mail
after my mom in law and I had breakfast,
I initiate a conversation and tried to cheer
her up...didn't work.

i went back to our bedroom and found my self
in front of the computer, when I saw your e-mail
and it says "surprise!"....I caught my self smiling,
like ya know, super big smile :)

and when I was reading it I am honestly in between
smiling, crying and laughing..your letter was so moving and
a part of me was dancing inside, and feel that magical
sense of happiness...I am so inspired and really,
it was a healing moment for me :)

I felt that all of a sudden all my questions
were answered, and that belief that things really do happens
for a reason became so clear..

Thank you with all my heart,
you know me so well and you are always been
a gift to every way...
thanks for lifting my spirit today and always,
I couldn't be more grateful to have found
my way back to you..I love you Kat!

thank you Flor...

~thank you

Dear Flor,

All that says in the picture, define
how much your friendship means to me...

thank you for sharing me your story
about your mother, i am so inspired by it..
now....I always think about you,
and what you’ve been through…
when I found my self so down...

And thank you for always offering me your good listening heart,
For always calling and checking how am I doing
And continue giving me support in any way you can..
I always appreciate that and it means so much
Especially right now with my situation…

Thank you for always being there for me..
I love you bff…

Friday, March 26, 2010

what i discover this week....

~thank you :)

1. to wake up at at least 6:30 am, would give
me a very pleasant and beautiful morning,
just by myself...30-60 minutes of quietness
and me...

2. that we can actually leave my mom-in-law
for up to 3 hours, on her nap time,
if i/we needed to go outside and that is
between 12-3 or..1-4 pm....or 2-5pm.

just making sure she got her cellphone,
water/drinks and other "important" stuff by her side..

3. over-trying, is not really necessary.
going with the flow is much easier
than trying too much and too hard.
its much lighter in my soul as well.

4. making some plans and schedules
is so much easier than just
"do whatever" in everyday....
now, i get excited to start my day.
and be prepared for some unexpected
distraction.....that's life!

5. I can still cook and eat what I want
but NOT when i want, a little bit of planning
is really necessary now. Especially with meals
na mas masarap pag nakakamay...
yes, i still can't take a judging eyes ha hah.

6. that I can still enjoy watching Oprah,
whether she like or feel of watching it or not,
i just have to find a way in the morning,
or just stay up late at night.
though i always prefer to watch in the morning,
either way will work.

** i also have other option.
to request it to my friend Nel to record
it for me :) life is so delicious!

7. that i don't have to over-try to initiate a conversation
at all times, I am not a psychologist, as long as I let
her know that I can drop anything that I am doing for whatever
she wants to do or talk about. i think that's enough.
i am sincerely available for her whenever she needs me.
but i will not act anymore that as if I have to beg her all the
time to talk on whatever things that bothers her.
I've realize if a person is ready to talk,
she or he will talk...

i did try to talk to her in every possible way.(though)

it didn't work, like what my sister always says,
she still in an amazing state of mind, she's not that
forgetful,she can still walk, she has her hearing aid now,
that according to her even a drop of a pin she could probably hear,
she still in great strenght at 79 if she'll choose to be,
she has her fabulous daughter-in-law (i thought i badly needed
to mention that ha hah) to take care of EVERYTHING
she needed around the house
her son is here to take her whenever she needed to go
she still have her house
she has friends...

really, her life is so fabulous,
that even herself couldn't even think of an excuse
not to live in its fabulousness..

i gave all attention and everything she needs,
if she will not help her self, even me, trying my hardest
will just not going to work...

but always and always my main goal is,be there for her and
let her know that you I care sooooooo much!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

i am so sorry...

Just want to say so sorry for my family
and some friends who i bored too much
with my whining and complain about my

honestly, sometimes I don't even know
I already talking about it,
its just comes in my mouth,
everytime I heard "musta na?"...

Thank you for always have an open-
loving-good-listening heart..
It helps me tremendously!

But I also need to learn to stop that,
I don't want to be those people
like ya know....i still feel
that i don't have the worse situation,
yes, its hard.
but ya know, life goes on everyday...

my ate,my kuya and my nanay are my heros
they're my ultimate strenght,
they gave me beautiful advices,
they makes me smile...
I couldn't imagine my life without them
in my life...i would die for sure...
ok, maybe exaggeration...but really,
they mean the world to me in countless
ways and reason..

I love them so much!

Ok, if just in case, you called, anybody called
please feel free to remind me, that its ok
to complain for a few good minutes,
but hey life still good...

oh yeah!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Surviving the 2nd Week...

Omg....oh well, ya know I always wonder why people
do feel depress, I understand now that some people
just don't know how to relax,be alone and be happy
at the same time....

I am probably one of those people who loves
to be alone once in a while, but I do love to entertain,
and have great company here and there..

But its always been important to me, to have
my "Me" time...

And in my situation right now, its so freaking hard.

I am not exactly extremely busy everyday, its just
living in a big house, with the organizing and all that
chaos of everyday life is too much already just to have
only 24 hours a day...i love to wake up as early as 6am,
but i would just love to be in bed by at least 10pm.

But that's not always the case.
I have to take care mom first, Ozzie, second.
And that all whatever you can think of bed time routine.EVERYDAY.

There were times that my body just gave up while
I am on the couch waiting for her to say:
"I'm off to bed now", then I get excited!
Because I am looking forward each day, try to have
a quiet evening, just me writing my journal and gratitude book,
or catching up with my fave program on the computer
or just reading some of my fave book or magazine.

Again, as much as I wanted to do this every night.
I can't.
Sometimes I just want to go to bed right away.
My sleep is always a priority.
I need to have a good hours of sleep so I won't get
crabby the next day...
And in my situation right now, I don't know
how many times I bite my tongue, hold back my tears,
count one to ten, take the deepest breath, and just
trying to dig down how much patience I got deep inside me..

Days becoming so slow these days...
I feel bad, I feel strong, I feel different kind
of emotions every single day...

I keep asking my self, what am I really doing?

And if I question my self about, is this fair for me?

Of course the answer will always be the crunchy NO.

But...knowing in my heart I am totally doing the right thing.
without expecting anything in return, I really believe
that I am such a super human ha ha hah.

oh yah, why? try to be in my position for one day?

Not fun. But sometimes doing the right thing doesn't always
mean fun and convenient...I just always tell my self...

This just part of the challenge, once you made this,
whatever comes your way in the future will be totally
a piece of cake..yum!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Surviving the 1st week....

Yeeeeeepppp! One week indeed.
And hey am still here breathing...
I can't believe how brave I am..haaaa!

Well, I would've make it without all the loving
support that I am luckily getting from my friends & families,
both sides, I like the fact that my sister-in-law
has zero expectation and has huge faith on me
that I'm gonna do just fine :)

as funny as it sounds, i like when she says
"hang in there"...for me its a support really
through words...

And oh-my-friends like Flor and Nel,
helps me big time, thanks guys!

And to my friend Kat who I know
I haven't heard for a while but always
and always giving me so much great advices
while I am reading her messages I always wanna cry :)

And to Joy,who always shows her love,
by calling and making sure I am doing well..

And my nanay who always helps and prays for me
that it was given to me because Lord knows
that I have the heart to do it...
and gives me advices what to do
in times that I feel of giving up,
frustrations and any kind of mix emotions...

For my ate esme, who understands
what my situation right now...She is always
my strenght, she gives me all the loving
support and she always thinks about me,
what is good for me and my family..
she loves me and she makes sure
she let me feel that and I always
do..i love you ate!

For my Kuya who always prays for me
and always be there for me...
though we don't talk very often
I know whenever I will need him
he will listen to me and shows his
love through his words..

To my fellow bloggers Ate Ellen and Robyn,
you both are awesome and gave me so much
beautiful advices, your blog helps
me in a lot of ways...
You both are always be a blessing
to my life...

Ate Ellen, I know i haven't been
sending you any messages but I will
never ever forget you, and thanks for your
time sending me those beautiful messages that
really touches my heart until now
I have saved and print them and it really
lifts my spirit...I still keep
visiting your blog I just didn't get a chance
to comment yet, I am still looking forward for
your book and will always be a fan of yours :)

And miel, sorry haven't been e-mailing you,
but we had so much fun exchanging all that funny are really a great friend and
your sense of humor is sooo awesome,
you always makes me smile...

And with Jeff,
i guess he is trying hard but..
he is definitely helping his mom
in a lot of ways, but at this very crucial
time in our lives, whether i like it or not
yes, i think we have to hold each other's hand
most of the time.

Today I just mad at him for so many reasons,
i'll leave that in my journal, too ugly
to put it in here. Very inappropriate.

Besides, this is all about me..surviving :)

Yesterday actually was awesome. Maybe because,
I had a chance to go out finally after a week...

Thank God...for my good friend and neighbor like
Nel & Allan, ahh, don't you love great people
who really do care...its so nice..
almost makes me cry :)
Its just I feel so grateful, I am simply
overwhelmed ..

Then my nice step-daughter came to watch
Ozzie and her grammie so Jeff and I made
a quick trip to the store to get what I need.

-word-find puzzle for mom
- a gratitude journal (btw. so pretty:)
- print pictures for flor
- that's it i guess.

Yup. I feel extremely thirsty feeling that
fresh air from outside..
Felt sooo good.
I wish I can do that more :)

well, maybe I start jogging or something.
ah, we'll see about that.

So I think I am getting tremendously better,
when it comes to planning a day or something,
made a few lists for mom to choose
to do in everyday...

I think I made some really easy fun ones
I haven't shown her yet but its all about the
timing, i don't want to pressure her of doing
something she doesn't feel like doing...

so we'll see about that...

Friday, March 12, 2010

head ache.

i really don't experience headache that much
but these past 3 days, its unreal!
maybe, I don't get enough sleep,
i needed a 7-9 hours sleep to feel that
i am fueled enough to have a really good day,
have enough patience to go through everyday
and strenght of course to stay strong to whatever
that comes my way...(rhyming??)


I have been really good about taking my Vitamins
coz I feel my soul and body is screaming to take it :)

I have talked to my hubby about taking a stresstabs
but deep inside i'm too scared to take any kind
of supplement like that because of the possible
side effects, that may not happen in my age right now
but something that may not be good in the future.

A friend of mine have reminded me about that too
so I have decided, no stresstabs for me.

My sister suggested ginseng, so I may do some research about that.

But for now I am going to stay with my Vitamin B complex
which says that helps for normal functioning of the nervous far, so good.

I really really feel of napping right now,but I can't.
having a toddler who is into everything I feel even
sometimes blinking is prohibited :)
And mom needs me.

I can do this. I will. Right?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

i can't define my emotion.

seriously. I have been having a hard time
dealing with my emotions lately.
for the first time in a long time,
i feel like...

mix of stress.fear.confusion.

i am trying to find my self.

but i guess, its too hard at this point.
because I am busy.physically exhausted
most of the time at the end of the day..

i once said to my friend that I feel
of crying, ya know that you really
really wanted to cry ...but.
I am too tired, I am just gonna
go to bed instead.try to have
a good night sleep.

I thought that would be better.
It was not really.

I was tired when i get up.
then that feeling of crying again still there.

but then again I can't.

i need to start my day and trying
really really hard to smile a lot.
its hard to smile when you don't feel
like it.

but i don't have to show to the whole
wide world that I feel somehow sad.

she does not have to know.
its gonna make both of us two miserable soul.
and it would not make any sense.

oh well....